So, Valentines day ....
My school had this beautiful initiative today where parents could post a Valentine's
message to their kids on the school's Instagram page. Obviously there was a teacher slaving away behind it, but without complaint and all in the name of love.
I read two or three messages and I was overcome by emotion. Overwhelmed by it. Suppressing my tears and denying myself the moment, I walked back to my class and got lost in To kill a mockingbird. I would deal with this unforeseen wave of feelings later. And then I forgot about it. God didn't.
As I drove home a song came on from the band, Chicago. In grade 4 I begged my mom to buy me the tape. Every morning before school the ad would come on TV as I was getting dressed and
snippets of the songs just grabbed me.
"It's hard for me to say I'm sorry"
"After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you"
"Everybody needs a little time away ..".
In an instant,these lyrics took me back to my 9 year old me. The only words I can think of to describe my state then is, cut up and in my mind's eye I could see hundreds of little cuts just being there. Not bleeding, or aching or burning. Just being there. A state of existence. My state of existence.
Immediately the tears came and I could finally have my moment as my mind went back to the messages I read earlier in the day. I knew this was a therapy session with God. I know I needed it.
How does this all tie in together. I'm not sure, but here are some thoughts.
To my 9 year old self,
You did good, you got through it okay.
All those tiny cuts made you strong. When you felt unloved, God loved you so much he was willing to take all those tiny cuts. Some He already healed and others will get bandaged up in a car trip on your way home one Valentine's day.
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