It's been a while.
Yes, reference to the popular song from Staind, but in this case more to me not processing emotions. Again.
Maybe if I just write down every emotion known to man and end it off with an existential scream I would have covered the last few months. Seems apt.
Apart from not really knowing where to start, I also have to admit that if I do voice my emotions I will be riddled with guilt for being a terrible person for who knows how long. I can try to express it in a more diplomatic way, but there is just no satisfaction in that. It would be like a half baked cake.
So, hopefully not a lot of people will read this. And if you do read this, have some grace, I'm struggling. Or don't. Judge away.
I am so thankful that my mother did not raise me. I look at her habits and I pray and thank God that I had other influences growing up. While growing up I wanted nothing more than my mother to raise me, but now I see that God knew things I could never have known. As I'm writing this I can actually feel the guilt overwhelming me and I feel sick to my stomach.
A while back someone told me that I should talk to my mother about these emotions and I can not think of a worse idea. Why would I ever even consider doing that? It's just a no.
On the positive side, ignoring my emotions always does bring out the very productive side of me. I got so much done, especially in the last 2 months.
Anyway, I can see this piece is going nowhere and my thoughts are just too fragmented to get anything sensible out right now. I'm going to just stop here and acknowledge that feeling stuck is also part of life.
Have a lovely festive season. I will try again after I have had some alcohol. That usually does the trick.
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