I know better

I did not anticipate that writing about my unprocessed emotions would suck me into this semi-dark pit of heaviness. I also thought that getting it out would make me feel better, instead I have been feeling pretty shitty since my previous post. Weird feeling, because in general I am a positive person with a never say die attitude who will much rather focus my energy on the silver lining than the dark cloud. Yet here I am, feeling a little consumed.

In a tough time, I usually draw on my internal arsenal of motivational quotes to see me through. Here is a few.

“If you are going through hell, keep going”.

“You will be surprised to see how far you can go from the point where you thought you had nothing left to give”.

“But did you die?”

I have so many thoughts going through my head regarding my last post. On the one hand I think I was irrationally harsh and on the other hand I keep telling myself that my emotions are valid. If something upset me, surely, I am allowed to talk about it. I think what I am actually struggling with is the guilt that should my mom or stepmom ever read my previous post, I will be faced with the fact that I have hurt their feelings and discarded the fact that in whatever situation, they were also only just doing the best they could. And in turn I would then have hurt them, just like I feel they hurt me and that in its essence is a problem to me. I never want to be the reason, ever, anyone has to experience the same feelings of hurt and abandonment that I have experienced. Another favourite quote that comes to mind here; “If you know better, do better”.

I feel like hanging up my boots on my very short saying-how-I-feel career. I feel like I should go back to my internal processing system of absorbing things into myself which according to experts is not healthy but seems to have been working for me for the past three decades. I feel like I have caused myself to deal wit a whole new catharsis. Damned if you speak, damned if you don’t.

In moments like these when I am plagued by serious overthinking, I always hear the first few verses of Proverbs in the back of my mind and I am grateful that I don’t have to rely on my own (very limited) wisdom. I am soothed by the wise words of Solomon from ages ago.

A Manual for Living

1 1-7 These are the wise sayings of Solomon, David’s son, Israel’s king— Written down so we’ll know how to live well and right, to understand what life means and where it’s going; A manual for living, for learning what’s right and just and fair; To teach the inexperienced the ropes and give our young people a grasp on reality. There’s something here also for seasoned men and women, still a thing or two for the experienced to learn— Fresh wisdom to probe and penetrate, the rhymes and reasons of wise men and women.

7 Start with God—the first step in learning is bowing down to God;

There is so much freedom in admitting to myself that I don’t have the answer. There is peace in the realisation that I can rely on knowledge from ages and ages hence. Figuring out if I should or should not talk about my emotions or issues is actually not the matter here. It’s accepting that talking to God about it first will probably make for much smoother sailing when I eventually do verbalise my emotions.

Lesson learned. I know better, now I must do better.