I have been running from God for the past two weeks. Yesterday morning, I realised it when I was confronted with the question in my mind. "Why are you avoiding Me?" (Side note: How faithful is God that even in my annoyance and avoidance He still persues me and seeks me out).
It knew why immediately. I felt upset with God. He had asked me to do something out of my comfort zone which left me emotionally drained and feeling low for a few days afterwards and ever since I have been mad at Him.
I had to talk to a group of students about my struggle with forever feeling not good enough and then sometimes feeling like I'm just too much ( tricky balance to master). The take away was that God says I am exactly as I should be. Enough and not too much. I should let go of my struggle and take Him at His word, believe what He says about me rather than my own misleading, ever changing, up and down emotions.
I still argued in my mind. Why would He ask this of me if He knew this was how I was going to feel and react?
I don't have the answer. I just know I need to be obedient to God. I must be a doer, not only a hearer. To hear God is good, to do what He asks is better. It's how relationships work, isn't it? In a person's actions you can see if their words hold any value. Well, that's what I think. Maybe my perception of what God expects of me is part of the reason I distanced myself from Him.
A part of me knows I have no right to be upset with the One who showers me with so much grace everyday. What is this one little thing He asked of me in comparison to everything He does for me daily that I'm sometimes not even aware of.
Maybe there is no lesson in this for me. Or maybe the lesson will come in time. Maybe one of my students could relate or needed an example of vulnerability. Whatever it is, I know that once I'm done with my little childish tantrum of God asking me to do something I didn't like, there is a loving Father waiting for me with open arms. I'm so grateful for that.
My end thoughts ...
"When I trust You, I don't need to understand". Yes, Hillsong lyrics again.
"If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart". Oswald Chambers.
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